The Bitter Pill

I don’t claim to know everything about business, or how to successfully lead a team. In fact, I can’t claim to know much at all. But I have witnessed the absolute wrong way to do things a few times, and can share my surefire methods of being a lousy manager. So, if you’re a manager, want to be a manager, or just want to make sure the boss you want to kill is, in fact a lousy manager, here’s some dead giveaways to brain-dead managerial style.

1. Don’t listen. Yes, you hired the best people you could find, and you hired them based on their extensive knowledge and professional experience. But that doesn’t mean you should listen to them. You’re the boss, and what you say goes. Besides, if you listen to them, you might feel obligated to give them credit. Someday. Maybe.
2. Think small. Big ideas can lead to big failure, so just do things the way they’ve always done. If somebody comes to you with a Big Idea, make sure to shoot it down before they can explain how simply revolutionary it could be. It would probably just confuse and scare a lot of people (especially you) anyway. Note: if “vision” is a core component of your dearly held mission statement, then make up a completely arbitrary reason why the Big Idea couldn’t possibly work. You get bonus points if your arbitrary reason has nothing to do with the Big Idea whatsoever, as you just rendered any defense impossible.
3. Destroy trust. Pit team members against one another. Go behind their backs spreading misinformation and distrust. It will make the little worker drones work harder, as they fret over who’s going to stab them in the back, and you will become the most trustworthy person on the team. In other words, on a plate full of rotten food, you seem to be the most palatable.
4. Be insecure. Leave your backbone at home. A lack of faith in your own abilities helps you cower and appease higher-ups and avoid the trouble of defending your team’s hard work. It also helps you build that creative, fun, “how will he change his mind today?” guessing game employees like so much. Whatever you do, make sure you avoid any sort of professional improvement or learning that could lead you down the path to becoming a strong, knowledgable leader
5. Shift blame. You’re the boss, so you can never be wrong. Find a scapegoat. Make it someone from your own team, so you have no conflict with any other managers. If it turns out that your employee was doing exactly what you told them to do, despite their protests, make sure to remember the magic phrase, “that’s not what I said”. If they have documentation, then it’s not what you meant, they’re twisting your simple instructions around, and obviously have a problem with authority.
6. Ignore problems. No problem is so large that it can’t be successfully ignored or neglected, if you try hard enough. Solving problems goes against the very nature of the Lousy Manager.
7. Micromanage. Since you’re the boss, every detail of every bit of work is your responsibility. If you’re in programming, ask why they named the variable x instead of y. If you’re in accounting, ask why the spreadsheet headers are bold (or why they’re NOT bold). If you’re in graphic design, insist on Pantone 185 instead of Pantone 186. Your employees will love your input, and you look smart.
8. Delegate your responsibilities. Good managers delegate, right? Make sure you delegate a lot. Have a conflict among your team? Perhaps the team members don’t trust one another (see above)? Lock them in a room and let them duke it out. Or have another employee mediate. This way, you avoid the conflict, and just look how you’re delegating!

With just eight simple steps, you can officially become a Lousy Manager. If you haven’t already, get started today.

And let me know where you work, so I can be sure to never send my resumé in.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 7th, 2006 at 11:17 am and is filed under General, Business, Marketing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.